I woke up at 4 am after having a nightmare. In it, I received a phone call that my beloved Nana had died in a car crash. Now this shouldn't have been a nightmare, because Nana died almost 25 years ago. This nightmare didn't cause a startled awakening, but a gradual and fast one. I could feel myself waking up. I couldn't get back to sleep, and wanted to calm myself, but watching Minecraft videos or jumping on Twitter didn't seem right, so I started reading To Heaven and Back: A Doctor's Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again, by Dr. Mary C. Neal.
I had bought the book a couple of weeks ago after seeing a clip on the 700 Club of Dr. Neal telling her story. I had started reading it right away, but life got in the way, and I didn't get very far. This morning, I finished the book. There were so many events in her story that I resonated with. Her foundation in Christianity, but not being very rooted in it as a child; her accounts of God-sightings such as someone holding her while she was drowning (Dad has this same story), the tree and wildflowers blooming immediately after a death, etc.
After finishing the book, I hopped into my favorite place to spend quiet time- a bubble bath- and put on the Christian music I would be playing later today in the service. I began thinking about recent events. I have been really depressed lately. School is impossible - great kids, great principal, but the stress and responsibilities are horrible. This year has been my hardest ever, and just the thought of the stress of next year, when our pay will be based on the students' online test scores, has me shaking my head in despair.
Bob wanted to shop for new clothes last night. During the trip, he told me about his job possibly changing. He has the option to interview for manager of the department he is currently working in, transfer to another department, or finding a new job. He shared that he is not happy in his current position as he is not able to be creative- it's not fun. I totally understand this feeling- it's the same feeling I had back in 1998 when I quit my computer job and went back to school to be a teacher. He did not enjoy managing people when he tried it back in 2008,and knew it was not what he wanted today. He also told me he really does not want to transfer to the other department because it would be boring. His only other choice would be to interview with another company. This is huge, based on his insecurity and resistance to change.
I realized we are at a crossroads in our lives. I want to follow God's path for us. I feel God is orchestrating a life change in both of us, but what does this entail? A possible move to Haiti? How would that affect Morgan and Aidan? I thought more about this.
Morgan is very social, self-confident, and strong. Her "God-time" is in her friends and social life - she would be fine if we were in another country. With her trip to Tijuana, she is beginning her own ministry even before she goes to college.
Aidan is very private, needs the support of his family more than friends at school. He would do fine to be with us, studying online or privately. His "God-time" is with family and private surroundings and situations.
How does Abigail play into this??
I want Bob to get past his dislike of Chiv and really *listen* to what God is telling him. I want him to look for tangible signs, like the owl. I wish he would believe in these, but to my knowledge, he doesn't. He always makes fun of me when I talk about anything like that.
He didn't go to church today, but the sermon and tonight's Bible study were about serving. I don't think this was any coincidence. This prayer was recited aloud tonight by our group,but I think it was for my/our benefit (though once again, he want present at Bible Study):
Father, we want to live our lives to please you. We want to walk through each day depending on your power, looking for your hand, and listening for the still, small voice of your guidance. Use us for your kingdom's purposes. Nudge us into greater acts of faith. Call us to a deeper level of trust. Soften our hearts, O Lord, so that we may live worthy of your calling and fulfill your highest purposes for our lives. We pray these things in the name of Jesus, and for the glory of your kingdom. Amen.
