Yesterday, Bob and Aidan were at GenCon, so Morgan and I had a girls' day of school shopping and lunch. Then she wanted to go see a movie. Now, movies are usually not my idea of fun; usually I consider them a waste of time because at the movie theater I can't multitask. Yesterday was no different, although I had seen a preview that I thought looked good. Well, she talked me into going to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green with her.
The story is about a couple who are told they cannot have children. As they are coming to terms with this fact, they make a list of all the the best qualities they would have liked their child to have, and bury it in a box in the yard. That night, Timothy appears, the embodiment of all they had wished for in their child. Over a few short months, they come to know and love him, but soon he must go back to the earth from which he came. The story ends with the couple adopting a little Asian girl named Lily.
The end of the movie made me realize that God had brought me to this movie for a reason. I had not thought about little Abigail all summer, and He was reminding me of my failure to do so. I need to keep her at the forefront of my heart until she is home with us. I had much trouble controlling my tears as the movie ended.
I had another dream this morning that has to be a message from God.
It was a beautiful, sunny day, not too hot, and I was on a beach with Mom and Charlie. The weather was perfect for a nice calm swim, so I laid down at the edge of the water, letting the waves cool me, but not cover me. It was so gorgeous and pleasant that I fell asleep there at the water's edge.
When I awoke, the sky was almost completely black with storm clouds all around - I had never seen it so dark. Mom was telling me I needed to grab my things because a storm was coming. Before I moved, though, I looked up in the sky to find a complete, full rainbow, stretching from one horizon to the other. (It wasn't raining yet, and the sun wasn't anywhere to be seen, so the cause of the rainbow was something else).
Then I woke up.
The only explanation I see is that something huge is on the way, something that I will need to lean on God completely in order to get through.
"There was a time in my life when I thought obedience to God’s will was easy. After all, it seemed to coincide with my will quite nicely. How hard was it to go to college, get married, get a degree in journalism and public relations, (yes in that order), start working at a great company, get a cozy house with a pool, serve how I wanted at church, have three healthy boys, and so on. See? How hard is that??? Why isn’t everyone obeying God like I am, I wondered. It’s so sinchy.
Then I realized … ahem … that I had neglected to actually check in with God about what He wanted for my life.
I clearly remember the day when my Glynnis-driven life came to an abrupt halt. Apparently, I had been ignoring God for many years, under the guise of serving Him, mind you. And He decided I needed an intervention in the form of a cross-country move. That story is quite long, so I won’t tell it here. But suffice it to say that God got my attention. In a BIG way. And I got a complete overhaul, for the good.
It was then I realized obedience can actually be hard at times. It can mean sacrifices in both small and large ways.
Today I have a devotion running on Encouragement for Today about a time when obedience meant a small sacrifice. That didn’t make it any less important, though. In fact, I realized that ignoring the good I should do, even in small ways, was sin. Hopefully you can read it if you haven’t already. But I promised at the end of the devotion to tell about a time when God asked me for a big YES. So I need to go back in my story … before the degree, cozy house and three boys.
Years before my husband and I had children we talked of adopting. We always envisioned ourselves taking in children who needed a home. We didn’t know how it would happen, but we were open to it. Then God gave us three little boys, boom – boom – boom, and I was undone. (If you want more of that story you’ll find it in my book “I Used to Be So Organized“).
I never had a preference for gender and loved being the mother of boys. But my husband wanted a little girl. So every once in awhile, he would bring up the idea of adoption and I would say no. I could barely manage the boys as it was, I said. A few years went by and he suggested adopting an older child. And again I said no. I was concerned what it would do to the boys to bring in an emotionally-wounded child. Then the move happened and God started that overhaul I mentioned.
Life settled down. We moved back home. And I was in the process of living out one act of hard obedience after another. In fact, hard obedience became my norm.
Then my friend Lysa TerKeurst came to town to speak at an E-Woman’s Conference. A few years before that, Lysa and her husband adopted two teenage boys from Liberia. It was my first time to hear her tell the story in person and I sat transfixed with the rest of the audience.
Then God started squeezing something inside me. My heart started to pound. And I heard God’s voice in my spirit say: “It’s time to say yes.” Then the vice grip tightened. I could hardly breathe. And I told God I got the message. please. let. go.
My breathing returned to normal but my heart did not. I went home and told my husband, and guess what he said.
He didn’t even pause before saying, “Yes!” And he kindly refrained from saying, “finally!”
To my surprise, not only were we to adopt, but we were to adopt internationally … from Africa … Liberia to be exact. And less than a year later, not one but two little girls joined our family.
We had no idea this would be the hardest act of obedience we have ever encountered. Our daughters faced nightmares no child should experience, and the scars run deep. Their needs are greater than we can meet, and it has caused all of us to depend on God like never before.
Knowing the difficult challenges and what it has cost our family (and I don’t mean just financially), many people ask if we regret the adoption.
This time I don’t hesitate. And my answer is “NO.” I don’t regret being obedient. I don’t regret saving the lives of these two precious girls. I do regret not being more aggressive to get them help and assuming that we could handle their needs ourselves. But I never regret making them my daughters.
God has shown me over and over that His way is best. I’m still learning to not move ahead of God, and to seek His will above all. But that doesn’t always make life easier. If you’ve read my blog before you probably know we are still in the midst of our challenges. Every day I’m desperate for God’s grace, and pray for healing for my girls.
Here’s the bottom line: I’d rather be in the middle of hard obedience with Jesus, than easy disobedience without Him.
Anyone else know what I mean? I’d love to what God has taught you when you’ve said “yes” to His call. If you are reading this in an email, please click here to leave a comment on my blog.
Just woke from a disturbing dream.
My whole family had just gone to Haiti. Bob had gone into a cabin-like building to change clothes. We were preparing, along with many other families, to board a flat wagon pulled by horses that would take us out of the place were in. It was very popular, and if we didn't hurry, we would not get a spot on the wagon. I lifted Aidan and several other children onto the flatbed, then went to change my clothes quickly. That's when I realized I hadn't brought any clothes with me, and would have to wear my pajamas. I came outside, ready to jump on the wagon, only to find that they had already left. I saw a smaller, 2-horse wagon racing away, and I panicked and yelled at Bob to "Come on!", then I started running. Then I saw the wagon with all the kids, and it was moving slowly enough for me to catch up, but I had to run down a river to do so. All I could think of was "Please don't let me get cholera, Lord". I finally caught up to the wagon, and climbed up. Another child on the wagon told me that Aidan was not on board because he wasn't feeling well, so he and Morgan had stayed behind. My heart sank.
Lord, I life up Abigail to you this morning, wherever she may be. Please be with her, comfort her, and keep her healthy, strong, and happy. I lift up her mother today, as well as all mothers facing losing their children. Give them strength in Your Holy Name, wisdom, and guidance. And Lord, break Bob's heart for this little child, just as you are breaking mine. In Your Holy Name I pray, Amen.
OK, so Monday I walked, and received the pictures from God in my head to go with the song. Tuesday morning, I saw the rainbow on the way to work. The story continues ...
On Friday, we had heavy rain (to the point where our street was flooded up to our sidewalk - I've never seen it THAT high before!). Almost immediately after it stopped raining, the sun came out, and I knew there would be a rainbow - sure enough! I went back in to grab my phone, and tried to take a picture, but of course, the camera wasn't working right, and I had to reboot my phone. By the time it powered back on, the rainbow had almost completely faded (it was a quick one). I got a picture, but not a very good one.
Saturday morning, I went to the Art and Spirit event at the church. One of the activities they had for us involved making a beaded bracelet. The bracelet was to help us remember Psalm 23, and used each color of the rainbow for a different verse - I had never thought of this Psalm in this way! The bracelet turned out gorgeous, of course.
That evening, after dinner, Morgan was gone and the guys were downstairs, so I decided to have my quiet time in a bubble bath (love to do this!). During this time of talking and listening to God and my iPod, I came to the realization that God had sent me TWO rainbows this week, on the heels of my mind's picture! On that Monday, I had the idea that I needed to put together the music with my own videos of the rainbows I've seen, but I don't have any videos, so I put that thought aside. On this night, however, I realized God wants me to make these videos! Of course, I couldn't videotape while I was driving, but it was just a little part of one - an intro, I believe. Friday's incident with my camera not working was God's way of telling me "video, not still photo." Right there in the bathtub, I told God, "Yes, Lord, with Your help."
Sunday morning, as I was getting ready in the bathroom for church, I was listening to the radio, as usual. And what do you think was one of the readings for the church service that was playing at the time?
12 Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. 13 I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. 14 When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, 15 and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the floodwaters destroy all life. 16 When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.” 17 Then God said to Noah, “Yes, this rainbow is the sign of the covenant I am confirming with all the creatures on earth.”
Gen. 9:12-17
I thought things were a little better last night, but we had a setback this morning. God still has much work to do in me and in him as well, but I am still praying for little Abigail ... "Joy of the Father" ...
Little did I know, but God wasn't finished speaking to me last night!
This morning, on my drive to work, I was listening to that song again, and got behind some slow traffic in the left lane. When the lane opened up and the guy in front of me moved over, he matched my speed. Since I had another guy behind me, I was forced to speed up to get into the right lane. As that guy passed me (he had to be doing 80), I glanced over to see that he was in his 50's - I expected that out of a younger person.
Anyway, it was then that I happened to notice the sky. The sun was shining just as brightly as could be, and there were a few puffy clouds off to the right. And in the clouds was a beautiful rainbow!
Today was a beautiful February day, 50 degrees and sunny, so I felt like I just had to take advantage of it and take a walk along the Canal Feeder Trail, my favorite place to walk. It is so peaceful and beautiful there. I love to experience God through nature and beautiful music, so I always take my ipod along.
I went right after work, so I hadn't changed clothes or put on walking shoes. I didn't expect to walk very far. But the sun low in the sky was just so beautiful that I kept walking, and before I knew it, I had reached a part of the trail that I've never been to before. I wanted to know where the Trail lead to, so I kept on going. When I reached about the two-mile mark, my feet were starting to hurt, but I hadn't reached the end yet, and the path before me turned. I decided that I would make the turn, and if I still couldn't see the end, I would turn around and head back. I rounded the curve, and finally was able to see the road at the end of the trail. Now I knew I would be able to make it all the way to the end, and I picked up my pace.
As I reached the end of the trail, I turned around to come back. My feet were really starting to become sore, and I started wondering if I was crazy to walk this far in these shoes, and if I would be able to make it back to my car, which was now 2.5 miles away! Just then, my absolute favorite song, "Agnus Dei" by Michael W. Smith, came on my ipod. This was the version that begins with "The Tribute", from his "Glory" album. I've listened to this song many times before, and even during this particular walk several times. But I had never heard it like I did this time.
(Listen to this song as you read on to get the full effect)
The song starts quiet and slow, making me think of a gentle spring rainfall. I could just picture raindrops softly falling on a puddle, which reflected the trees around it.
The dynamics of the song build a bit, and I envisioned the rain falling somewhat harder, then as the song quiets again, I felt the rain calming, too. I saw in my mind a rainbow begin to just show a sliver of itself as the song transitioned, and the rain stopped gently.
As Agnus Dei rose in dynamics slowly, I pictured that rainbow, slowly becoming brighter, stronger, and more full.
As the dynamics rose to a climax, the rainbow became a full, arching glorious beauty!
Then, as rainbows and songs do, they both calmed, and the rainbow began to fade along with the song, until there was nothing left but blue sky and puffy white clouds, and the "heavenly," ethereal feeling of the song as it comes to an end. I felt such a sense of joy and peace come over my whole body.
As I continued to walk back toward the entrance, and other songs played on my ipod, I thought more about that experience. I believe it was God's way of telling me to stick this out to the very end, and I will find my "rainbow", just like Abigail (1 Sam. 25). I continued walking, smiling, and whispering the words to the songs (too many houses within earshot for me to sing with my ipod!). I was nearing the entrance to the trail, and the same song came up on my ipod again, as if God was saying "You got the message, girl! Way to Go!" And the song's climax came just as I went under the tunnel, and ended as I emerged on the other side. It was God telling me that He's going to take care of everything for me along the way, even during the "tunnels", and when I emerge on the other side, I will be filled with His peace.
By this time, my feet were killing me, but I realized I had walked faster on the return trip than I had on the first half - possible only with God at my side. And then it hit me - I had just walked 5 miles! I posted on Facebook about my amazing walk, and that I felt 5 miles closer to God!
I feel so blessed when I take the time to find a place where I can be alone to experience God's presence without distraction. For me, it involves being surrounded by God's creation, and filling my ears with amazing music.
[As I was reliving my walk, listening to the same music, and writing this, a thought popped into my head: what if my "rainbow" on the other side is a little Haitian daughter (who may even have yet to be born)? I can tell you right now that if that's what God has in store for us, her name is Abigail. ;-) ]
